Title: Amy Schumer in ellen show

Text:

Hi.

Hi.

How's the poster doing that we gave you?

Well, I realized when I got home that it was a hostile, hostile gift.

What?

Yes.

You love the Hemsworth brothers.

I love the Hemsworth brothers, and I got the opportunity to meet them at the Vanity Fair party last year,

but my sister took a horribly blurred photo and so I've never forgiven her.

Um, we're no longer in touch.

No.

No, I'm just kidding.

But then, so you got me that portrait.

I live in Manhattan, so my apartment is the size of this chair.

So it takes up my whole apartment.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

And people think I'm-like, have a really weird pro-like, they think I stalk them, and they're just, like, concerned for me,

so that was a rude gift, and you could have just gotten me, like, a plant.

I am so sorry.

Well, I will give you a plant while you're here instead.

Thank you.

Why don't you-no, no.

No, that's mine.

You just can't take whatever you want.

Oh, okay.

Why don't you move here, and then you'd have a bigger place?

Do you like it here?

But--I mean, I don't fit in here--just, like, straight up body type.

Like, in L.A. ,my arms register as legs.

They're just like-They're like, Why is that octopus on Sunset? Is that-- It's not-it's not for me out here.

No?

It's not, no. But I--you know.

What do you do when you're here?

I cry. I just sit in my room. Bawling.

No, I-Well, last time I was here, right from the show, I got courtside tickets to a Laker game.

That's fun.

Yeah, 'cause my-my business agent thought I was mad at him for sexually harassing me.

Well-But no, I'm , so I'm just starting to really appreciate that, you know what I mean?

I see, I see.

Well, it's true.

I can't speak for everyone.

I'm not like Sexually harass-- but, in your 20s, I feel like you walk around-like you'll walk past a construction site,

and be kind of like, Oh, don't look-- But then, in your 30s, you know,

I'm just like, What about this? Like, how about-- It's like my skirt's over my head.

I'm like, Aah.

They're like, We're eating.

But, uh-It changes, it really does.

It changes, so-So I got courtside seats, which--you've sat courtside at a game, right? I have, yeah.

I thought--I went-I thought it would be free booze.

It's not, it's not.

I guess you have to be on the team to get free booze.

I go, I get randomly seated next to Dianna Agron.

You know, the actress.

She was on Glee.

She played the cheerleader, Quinn? I mean, that lets you know how hot she is.

Yeah--oh, there we go.

There's the picture.

Thanks for--yes.

Isn't that great? She's like-the most gorgeous girl ever.

Her name was Quinn on that show.

To pull off that name? Yeah.

Like if my name were Quinn on a show, they'd be like, Oh, the jolly Irish groundskeeper,

that--Does a jig time and again, you know.

But so she's there.

Is she not like an angel? So--and the whole night, she's like, She's like this.

'cause she knows people are taking pictures of her.

I obviously don't.

I learned a lot.

I learned that my resting face, is just a scowl, it's just-

And I learned--and you can see-that I have what I'm now calling an at-risk chin.

This is not a good section! If I--if I don't, like keep it at sea level, it just doubles itself,

just-I become the dinosaur in the jeep in Jurassic Park, just Fff!